Wow, why did I stop writing?! I was just sitting on my bathroom floor crying at the sight of a box of raisins. Yes. Raisins can bring a lady to tears.
I thought I hadn’t written in years, but I just went back and I did indeed so some of this is repetitive….
Baby G left us which was one of the hardest days ever, but she’s in the best place ever and we still see her often and I have a close friendship with her mom/Aunt who adopted her.
Baby B and infant I were great, crazy days I barely remember, and together they were here 10 months. They went to live with grandparents who I am also still friends with, and I’m super thankful to say they returned home to mom and all are amazing!!
If we thought saying goodby to 18 month old baby G was hard, try having a conversation with an intelligent 5 year old boy who only knows you as his parents and telling him he’s going to leave and go get a new family. Or rather. Don’t do it!!! I think it was the hardest day of my life to date
Since he left we had 2 short visits in December 2022 and June 2023, and he came this summer for a few days and it was like he never left, but he did. Again. When he was small he would wake up in the morning and come into our room where I would have a small healthy snack to eat while we finished getting ready for our day, like a box of raisins. He’d sit and eat them, chatting and being goofy while I brushed my teeth and he and Scott made potty jokes.
Today I was cleaning out under my bathroom sink and found a box of raisins. I took it out and cried. Just sat on the floor and cried. I don’t think I’ve cried since he left. Not that I don’t miss him, but it’s hard to explain. Today I had too many regrets and questions. Were my reasons for not wanting to adopt him selfish? Did sending him away negatively affect my kids? My adopted kids? My relationship with my spouse? Was my desire for an “easier” life more important than the feelings and heartbreak of a precious and innocent 5 year olds? Did I/we make a mistake in not adopting him? Is Zman okay?!! Will he be ruined for life, or will he just remember fondly his time in our family and understand the load I had on my full plate? Should I have fought harder for keeping him in our circle (which I DID do!!)?
October 2022 he left. We have had multiple respites since then, said yes to a boy who only stayed 2 nights before returning home, and we said yes to a few others whose plans changed before reaching our doorstep. I’ll watch baby G and baby B and baby I and Zman grow up on Facebook and when/if I get to see them in person. I pray for them. And occasionally I shed a tear thinking about the last light baby G lived here and I cried all over her as I rocked her to sleep and when I woke her in the morning she smiled and reached for me and called me Mama. And I might cry again over a box of raisins or a tube of eye cream or some random smell, because these children will never leave my heart, yet I’m open for more…
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