Paper Pregnancy

Paper Pregnancy is a term many adoptive parents use for an adoption timeline, but I think the person who invented that term never had a biological child or experienced pregnancy. I have birthed 3 children, and each one was prayed for, loved, wanted, tended to in the womb, longed for with anticipation, but an adoption is just NOT the same. Little M and Z are not cozied up in my womb, biding time to make their entry into our family. I can't feel them kicking, feel a foot stuck under my ribs. I am not having dreams where they press their faces to my tummy and I can see their faces through my skin as if looking through a mirror, or dreams where they come out of a little pocket so tiny and perfect and I put them back in and tell them to grow some more as it's not time yet... I have do have dreams, but of going to Africa and them not being the children I have been staring at for 8 months,and not being allowed  to take MY child home, or dreams of having to undergo crazy physical stunts to "win" the chance to bring them home. What I see is month after month of my tiny wrapped up newborn turning into a little girl without me, and a precious scared little boy bonding and thriving with another "Mommy". I know so little about my kids! I do not know what makes M sad, happy, frustrated, calm, or giggly. I do not know how Z likes to be held, how she sleeps, what sort of movement she is able to do, or what they eat. I know they look amazing at peace and healthy and happy, but this "paper pregnancy" does not compare to any pregnancy that I have ever had! A baby comes from your womb KNOWING you. Instantly associating you with LIFE, comfort, love. These two will not come knowing me, or having any association with me other than possibly a picture from some photos (that I am not even sure if they ever made it there?)
Because of all this, it is a lonely time. Not many around me understand this, nor do I feel burdened to deeply share with them as I feel they don't want to be burdened down with the feeling that they needed to help me? Not sure how that sounds, but generally that is the sense that I get...

Deut 31:6" So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid.... For the LORD your God will go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."
Gen 28:15 " I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go... I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
Ps 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Jer 16:19 O LORD, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress, to you the nations will come from the ends of the earth

Will I ever again have a pregnancy of a traditional sense? Not if I have anything to say about it;)  Would I go through a "paper pregnancy" again? Absolutely! God has gotten us this far and He will get us to the finish line and beyond!